Kindergarten

Last week, in a more profound way than ever before, I was painfully reminded that years are in fact short. . . . .

L started Kindergarten.  I wept as she got on the bus.  I wept throughout the day and I'm weeping even now as I write about the experience.

On that day I read a blog post the put into words many of my emotions in a way that I could not even begin to process.  The author's words brought me great comfort.

I wasn't sad because she was going to Kindergarten.  I wasn't even sad because time had gone fast.  She was ready; I was ready.  She's almost six, she hasn't been napping for a year, she's been counting the days since early Spring . . . .it was time.  I've known since the day she was born that this day would come, and I was okay with it.

I wept because she was facing the world.  For the first time she would spend large chunks of time out of my reach.  My ability to protect her was waning.  (Yes, I know my ability to protect her is nil, this is God's privilege alone but you know what I mean!)  What if she become the victim of bullying:  she's sweet & innocent - an easy target?  What if she gets frustrated because she doesn't understand a concept or an instruction?  What if she doesn't make friends?  What if no one speaks her love language to her?  What if . . .. What if . . . . What it  . . . . . .??? 

She going to learn things that I don't want her to learn.  I understand that this is why many of my brothers and sisters opt to homeschool their children.  However, we do not believe this is God's plan for our family at this time. 

For me, the start of Kindergarten ushered in a whole new season in my life of trusting God.  It brought a whole new sense of my utter inability to protect my daughter from some of the realities of life.  I am confident that the pain I feel will be real with each transition in her life.  I have been faced with the hard cold reality that much of my sadness is a result of control issues in my own life.  The Holy Spirit has used my times of reflection to show me that my sadness really boils down to the fact that I want to be in control of her life (or at least feel like I'm in control of her life).  STUPID SIN!!

So far she LOVES Kindergarten.  She's a little distraught at the behavior of some of her peers on the 30 minute school bus ride home.  (I expect that within the next couple of weeks, we will remove her from the bus and opt to provide our own transportation for her - at least after school.) 

I'm praying fervently that God will protect her and preserve her.  When the "what ifs" come, I try to pray: confess my anxiety, confess my desire to be in control, and trust.  I'm trying to embrace this season and enjoy her enthusiasm.  All the while knowing that while the days are long, the years are short!

She Gets It!!

When we discipline our children, every once and a while we give them grace instead of a consequence for the offense.  When they are given grace the conversation goes something like this:

Parent:  What did you just do?
Child:  I disobeyed.
P:  What do you deserve?
C: I deserve a consequence.
P:  Today I'm going to give you grace.  What is grace?
C: Grace is when I get something I don't deserve.
P:  What do you deserve?
C: A consequence.
P: Who gives us grace?
C: God gives us grace.
P:  When did God give us grace?
C: When he sent Jesus to die for our sins.
P: So you deserve a spanking, but I'm giving you grace to remind you that I love you.  Just like God loves you so much.  He doesn't want you to have to suffer the consequences of sin so he sent Jesus.  What do you need to say to me?
C: I'm sorry for disobeying.
P: I forgive you and I love you very much.

Recently after going through the dialogue above L looked at me and said,  "Mama - it sure seems to me to God gives me a whole lot more grace than you do!"

I think part of God's grace to me is the humility that comes along with parenting.