My First Birthday Party

Ed. note:  I found this post today - I started it a year ago.  I have no idea why it took me so long to write it, insert pictures, edit it, and then post it.  It just goes to show that . . . the years ARE short.  Since I'm trying to document my life as a mama - it seemed appropriate to go ahead and post it.  Ironically L's next birthday part is just over a week away.  It's not going to be fancy - this year is a science theme.  I wonder how long it will take me to get it posted . . . . . . . . . .

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 Okay - so it wasn't really my first Birthday Party - but it was the first one I've ever thrown as a mama.  L chose a "Fancy Nancy" theme.  We LOVE Fancy Nancy at our house.  L is Fancy Nancy - at least she'd like to be.  I did a google search for "Fancy Nancy Party Blogs" and got most of my ideas.  My biggest concern pre-party was whether or not we had enough activities to fill the 2 hours. . . . . we didn't - but the girls didn't mind just playing together in our basement.

L got to invite 5 friends - one for every year.  She had to "invite" her sister, but she didn't have to count her as one of the five.  The invitations went out and everyone could come.  I made the invitations by scanning a couple of pages from Fancy Nancy books, cutting, and pasting - and ohh la la - we had a fancy invitation.  The guests were encouraged to "come fancy".

The fancy table - who knew white trash bags and fuschia toule could make anything fancy.  I did purchase Fancy Nancy placemats online - but the other tableservice was from the dollar store.

I also purchase Fancy Nancy stickers for the goody bags.  (We already had the book and the doll.)  The goody bags had several items for the girls to make themselves "fancy":  a bracelet, a ring, a fuchsia feather boa, fuchsia sunglasses, & a sparkly headband.

One of the activities was to make hats.  A hat makes a girl fancy!

We turned tissue paper into flowers, then glued them on paper bowls.  I had put head bands on the bowls to keep them on the girls' heads. 

Not a great picture - but you get the idea.

We had a pinata.  I'm not sure what's fancy about a pinata, but L wanted one and we happened to find one that seemed "Fancy Nancy-ish".

We had a snacks.  Fancy Nancy always eat with her pinky in the air - it's a fancy way of eating.  For dessert we made delectable parfaits.  It was a fun party, but I'm glad I don't have to host another one for a year.

Full Disclosure

I've been thinking alot recently about the things we tell and don't tell our children.  Some things we don't tell them because we want to surprise them (for instance we're going to the Museum of Science & Industry on Monday and it's going to be a TOTAL surprise!)  Other things we don't tell them because we are trying to protect them.  We don't tell them many things about what is going on in the world at large.  They're not ready to understand war, killings, & immorality.  Sure they know people do bad things - but that's enough for now.

But there are other things we don't tell them - things about us; about our family.  We kept a recent loss in our family completely unknown to our two girls.  It's made me think alot:  What did my parents keep from me?  The loss in our life is something the girls will probably eventually want to know - when do we share it with them?  How do we go about it?

Our loss was a second miscarriage.  We'd seen a heartbeat a few weeks earlier and we were literally days away from telling the girls the good news.  The miscarriage resulted in an outpatient procedure.  Our first was at school and our second thought she was simply getting an all day play date with one of her best friends. 

I would think, that being female, my girls would one day like to know about this.  But when do we tell them?  Apparently my own mother had a miscarriage.  I know little about it, but the news was delivered to me at my brother's wedding.  I might have chosen a different time and place to learn about this, but there really wasn't ever a "good" time to just bring it up. 

What else didn't my parents tell me?  From what did they protect me?  Other losses?  Financial hardships?  Who knows, but I know they always had my best interest in mind.

Just like we do.  Should we have shared about the loss with them?  I was so wrapped up in my own grief that I couldn't bear the thought of helping them grieve.  Was the selfish or wise?  I wasn't ready to answer the questions that would come about life & death and about reproduction. 

We make countless decision each week - many of which we do not seek their input, yet most of which affect them directly or indirectly.  In the name of "protecting" them, are we taking away from them the opportunity to process the world in which they live?  As they grow, I'm sure we'll share more with them.  But when do we start and how do we go about it?

I don't expect to get all the answers or to even always get it right . . . . these are just the things that I've been pondering of late.

Kindergarten

Last week, in a more profound way than ever before, I was painfully reminded that years are in fact short. . . . .

L started Kindergarten.  I wept as she got on the bus.  I wept throughout the day and I'm weeping even now as I write about the experience.

On that day I read a blog post the put into words many of my emotions in a way that I could not even begin to process.  The author's words brought me great comfort.

I wasn't sad because she was going to Kindergarten.  I wasn't even sad because time had gone fast.  She was ready; I was ready.  She's almost six, she hasn't been napping for a year, she's been counting the days since early Spring . . . .it was time.  I've known since the day she was born that this day would come, and I was okay with it.

I wept because she was facing the world.  For the first time she would spend large chunks of time out of my reach.  My ability to protect her was waning.  (Yes, I know my ability to protect her is nil, this is God's privilege alone but you know what I mean!)  What if she become the victim of bullying:  she's sweet & innocent - an easy target?  What if she gets frustrated because she doesn't understand a concept or an instruction?  What if she doesn't make friends?  What if no one speaks her love language to her?  What if . . .. What if . . . . What it  . . . . . .??? 

She going to learn things that I don't want her to learn.  I understand that this is why many of my brothers and sisters opt to homeschool their children.  However, we do not believe this is God's plan for our family at this time. 

For me, the start of Kindergarten ushered in a whole new season in my life of trusting God.  It brought a whole new sense of my utter inability to protect my daughter from some of the realities of life.  I am confident that the pain I feel will be real with each transition in her life.  I have been faced with the hard cold reality that much of my sadness is a result of control issues in my own life.  The Holy Spirit has used my times of reflection to show me that my sadness really boils down to the fact that I want to be in control of her life (or at least feel like I'm in control of her life).  STUPID SIN!!

So far she LOVES Kindergarten.  She's a little distraught at the behavior of some of her peers on the 30 minute school bus ride home.  (I expect that within the next couple of weeks, we will remove her from the bus and opt to provide our own transportation for her - at least after school.) 

I'm praying fervently that God will protect her and preserve her.  When the "what ifs" come, I try to pray: confess my anxiety, confess my desire to be in control, and trust.  I'm trying to embrace this season and enjoy her enthusiasm.  All the while knowing that while the days are long, the years are short!

She Gets It!!

When we discipline our children, every once and a while we give them grace instead of a consequence for the offense.  When they are given grace the conversation goes something like this:

Parent:  What did you just do?
Child:  I disobeyed.
P:  What do you deserve?
C: I deserve a consequence.
P:  Today I'm going to give you grace.  What is grace?
C: Grace is when I get something I don't deserve.
P:  What do you deserve?
C: A consequence.
P: Who gives us grace?
C: God gives us grace.
P:  When did God give us grace?
C: When he sent Jesus to die for our sins.
P: So you deserve a spanking, but I'm giving you grace to remind you that I love you.  Just like God loves you so much.  He doesn't want you to have to suffer the consequences of sin so he sent Jesus.  What do you need to say to me?
C: I'm sorry for disobeying.
P: I forgive you and I love you very much.

Recently after going through the dialogue above L looked at me and said,  "Mama - it sure seems to me to God gives me a whole lot more grace than you do!"

I think part of God's grace to me is the humility that comes along with parenting.

So - Are You Done?

Twice in a 24 hour period this week another woman has asked me - so, are you done . . . . ?  The implied question being, "Are you going to have more children?"  Both times it was after I introduced them to my two daughters.

The first person to ask the question was an old friend whom I hadn't seen in 5 1/2 years.  At one point this friend and I shared our lives on a very deep, intimate level.  She knew nearly everything about my life:  my sins, my struggles, my triumphs, my dreams, my joys.  But life has taken us different directions and our paths no longer cross.  We had a chance meeting in a department store which blessed my day more than she will ever know.  But still this question left me with very mixed emotions.

The second person to ask the question was a woman who I was meeting for the first time.  The question came as a part of our initial small talk - although the question is hardly one that falls into the "small talk" category.

Before I continue processing my thoughts on this experience I will say that, ironically, both of these women have known deep sorrow in the area of pregnancy, conception, and birth.  Both have lost children both before and after giving birth.  Both have the blessing of being a mom now, but both long to know the children whom the Lord has already taken home.  So perhaps this place of deep sorrow and profound hope gives them a different approach to the question.  I imagine that this is a question both women ask the Lord about themselves.

It is a question that I too ask the Lord - often.  And it is a question that dumps a bucket of inadequacy on my soul. The question makes me feel like having two children isn't enough.  That I am somehow less of a mom if I'm willing to stop at only two children.  The thing is - we want to have more children.  We have been "trying" for over 2 years.  We have asked the Lord to either allow us to become pregnant or to bring us (and by us, I mean me) contentment.  At the moment, he has answered both prayers with a "no".

I have labored over this question and the decisions that we might make as a result of the answer to it.  For insurance purposes if we are "done" it would be financially beneficial to make it surgically final and thus drop the maternity rider I carry on my policy.  But I struggle with whether or not there are theological issues involved.  Are we wrong to take such a bold step in our family planning when ultimately it is God who controls my ability to conceive a child?

Why do I sometimes feel inadequate with only two children.  Is it an issue of pride?  Do I feel like I need more children to prove that I am capable of managing more chaos?  Why can I not choose contentment on this issue?  There's a deep feeling in the bottom of my soul that our family is not complete.  Is that from the Lord confirming we are not "done" or is it from the enemy sewing seeds of discontentment in my heart?  Wisdom says we're done - primarily for financial reasons, but also for some health reasons - both physical and emotional.  But God is bigger than money & sanity.

I'm sure that the women who asked the question - did it innocently.  Little did they know the well of emotion and turmoil it would stir in my soul.  Just because I would NEVER ask the question first, doesn't mean that they were wrong to ask.  On one hand I admire their boldness; on the other hand I'm hurt by their insensitivity.  (In the spirit of full disclosure, I will admit that after muffling my way through a response to their question, I asked them both the same thing.)

As I've done in the past when the question was posed, I found a way to waffle and give a non-answer - mumbling something about the fact that it's all in God's hands.  I'll be asked the question again - maybe tomorrow, you just never know.  There's something about being my age and stage of life that puts a target on  my back for being the recipient of the question.  My prayers is just that one of these days I'll be able to answer the question with peace, contentment, confidence, and assurance.  Until then I'll cry my tears in private and trust the keeper of my soul to give me wisdom and contentment.

A Little Relaxing

I tried to have some "me" time last night.  My feet were aching, Michael was gone for the night, the kids were in bed . . . . the perfect night for a hot soak in the tub.

I drew the hot water . . . .it was calling my name.  Before I could get in, L wandered into the bathroom - who knows why.  She started asking questions about the tub full of hot water.  Before she left the bathroom she felt compelled to put her hand in the water to "test the temperature". 

Thinking she was gone for the night, I settled in to begin my hot soak.  Over the course of the next 10-15 minutes she found reason to be back in the bathroom 3 times.  Each time under the pretense of some burning question or a need to use the toilet.  And each time - needing to test the water before she left the room.

I was starting to feel sorry for myself - will I ever get 5 minutes to myself?  Will I ever be able to relax in private?  Just then I had about 7 minutes with no interruptions - maybe it was possible to relax after all.  Just as I was closing my eyes and really relaxing I hear movement in G's room.  Then the small 3 year old voice, "Mommy,  mommy . . . . .I have to go poopy."

The days AND evenings are long . . . but I know the years are short.  The long hot baths may have to wait for a few more years.

Common Sense

L is struggling to learn her letters and sounds.  She's still young, so I'm not concerned.  However she does have common sense - which will take her far in life!

Tonight she says to me:
"Mom, I have four families of cousins."  I, not having any clue what she means, ask some clarifying questions.  She continues:

"Well I have cousins in two families on your side and cousins in two families on Daddy's side.  In fact, Mommy - it I have two pairs of cousins."

Then later tonight I was trying to explain to G why she had to go to bed even though it wasn't dark outside.  L says, "I remember this from last year.  Last summer it stayed light longer - so light and dark must go around in a pattern."

That's my girl!!!

The End of My Rope

It's been a long day here - a long couple of days.  I'm at the end of my rope.  Unfortunately, I took it out on the girls this afternoon. 

As we were driving home from our errands - which were incomplete due to my haste which added to my frustration, L announces, "I'm at the end of my rope.  I'm just so tired and I'm done."  I replied, "I know honey, I am too!"  Then L turns to G and says, "G are you at the end of your rope?"  In her sweet 2 year old voice, G says, "Nope!!". 

In a very sarcastic tone I pipe in with, "Oh I'm so glad, it's always good for at least one person in a group to not be at the end of their rope."  L then says in the most sincere way, "Mom, I really think it would be best if the mommy is the one who isn't at the end of her rope."

I laughed until I cried.  And somehow that provided the therapy I needed to climb up the rope just a little bit. 

He Will Turn Your Mourning Into Dancing

Recently in church we sang three songs that brought tears of Joy to my eyes.  I couldn't help but reflect on the fact that for nearly the last two years every time we sang any of those three songs I would often have to stop singing due to tears of sorrow.

The last two years have been difficult for our family.  Some of the trials have been well documented and lived very publicly.  Anyone can guess that L's illness & diagnosis, our family's 3 months of separation in early 2011, our family's three moves in 8 months were times of trial.

However, the events leading up to our first move and the departure from Michael's first ministry position were equally emotionally traumatic to us.  However, we lived that particular trial in a much more private way.  Our silence on the trial remains and we believe the Lord has blessed our commitment to trust him for justice and reconciliation.  There were other private trials as well including a miscarriage, of which we have rarely shared about with others.

The realization that we are "on this side" of the trials was overwhelming to me.  How exciting to look back over the last two years and see God's repeated faithfulness to our family.  He has met our physical, emotional, & spiritual needs in ways that we would have never imagined possible.  It's humbling to be a recipient of such incredible provision at every turn of our life. 

I can now celebrate that L is healthy again, our gluten free diet seems manageable, we are in a healthy church family, Michael loves his ministry position & is pursuing his life long dream of doctoral studies, and we are settled into our home - one which we hope to be in for a long time.

Today, I can truly sing each of these song with joy. They express exactly what is in my heart as I celebrate God's leading in my life.  They expressed exactly what was on my heart during some of the above mentioned trials and they continue to express my emotion as closure has come to the trials.

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

It Is Well With My Soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul. Refrain: It is well, with my soul, It is well, it is well, with my soul. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live: If Jordan above me shall roll, No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, The sky, not the grave, is our goal; Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord! Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul! And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul.

Still

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Christmas Lists

Editor's Note:  I'm running a little behind in blog posts - this has been written for weeks, I just haven't taken the time to add the photo.

Since June L has wanted a doll house for Christmas.  Almost weekly she would recount for me the things on her list - and they never changed.  As her good fortune would have it, a couple of the things on her list were given to her for her birthday in October.  She did have to spend a couple of weeks deciding what she would add to her list to replace the received gifts.  However, the doll house remained consistently at the top of her list.  Michael & I decided that we would invest in a doll house and I started researching our options.  Through God's amazing and ongoing provision, we were gifted a second hand Fischer-Price three story doll house with all the accessories.  We were thrilled with the gift and joyfully hid it in the crawl space, eagerly awaiting Christmas morning.

The week before Christmas L announced that she had taken the doll house off her Christmas list.  "Why", we inquired.  Her response, "I think a doll house is too big for Santa to get on his sleigh and into our house.  So I'm just going to ask him for slippers, a snowglobe, and a pretty dress."  She had a daddy-daughter date with Michael scheduled and had requested a trip to the mall to visit the jolly old man.  We suggested that she could ask him about the size of the doll house and the logistics.  However, she politely declined and stuck to her new list. 

Thankfully, on Christmas morning she came downstairs and was beyond delighted to see a doll house by her stocking.

Theology 101

In the recent days L & I have had the following deep theological conversations:

1. L:  Mommy are you one of Father Abraham's sons?
Me:  Yes, I am and so are you.
L:  But mommy I'm a daughter.  Why do we sing "Father Abraham had many sons.  I am one of them and so are you. . ."?  I'm not a son.

2. L:  Mommy, did God make the whole world.  Even before there was a world, did he make it?
Me:  Yes honey God made everything and he has always existed - even before the world began.
L:  Mommy I can believe a lot of things, but this is just one thing I cannot believe.

3. L:  Mommy why do you think God made giants? 
Me:  God makes everyone different.
L:  It's amazing that David could kill a giant.

Milestones

As of this week, we've lived in Mundelein longer than we lived in our rental house in Knoxville - which was the brief stop in our journey here.  The time here has gone much faster than the time there.  While it was great to be less than three miles from my parents, grandma, and brother and less than 15 miles from my sister and the rental house was awesome, the days we spent there were some of the more difficult in our marriage to date.  For one - for various reasons Michael spent more nights sleeping somewhere else than he did in the house.  Anyway - it's a little thing in the big scheme of things, but it's an emotional milestone for me nonetheless.

Names

From henceforth I am referring to my children by the first initial of their first name - "L" and "G" - it's just simpler that way.