So - Are You Done?

Twice in a 24 hour period this week another woman has asked me - so, are you done . . . . ?  The implied question being, "Are you going to have more children?"  Both times it was after I introduced them to my two daughters.

The first person to ask the question was an old friend whom I hadn't seen in 5 1/2 years.  At one point this friend and I shared our lives on a very deep, intimate level.  She knew nearly everything about my life:  my sins, my struggles, my triumphs, my dreams, my joys.  But life has taken us different directions and our paths no longer cross.  We had a chance meeting in a department store which blessed my day more than she will ever know.  But still this question left me with very mixed emotions.

The second person to ask the question was a woman who I was meeting for the first time.  The question came as a part of our initial small talk - although the question is hardly one that falls into the "small talk" category.

Before I continue processing my thoughts on this experience I will say that, ironically, both of these women have known deep sorrow in the area of pregnancy, conception, and birth.  Both have lost children both before and after giving birth.  Both have the blessing of being a mom now, but both long to know the children whom the Lord has already taken home.  So perhaps this place of deep sorrow and profound hope gives them a different approach to the question.  I imagine that this is a question both women ask the Lord about themselves.

It is a question that I too ask the Lord - often.  And it is a question that dumps a bucket of inadequacy on my soul. The question makes me feel like having two children isn't enough.  That I am somehow less of a mom if I'm willing to stop at only two children.  The thing is - we want to have more children.  We have been "trying" for over 2 years.  We have asked the Lord to either allow us to become pregnant or to bring us (and by us, I mean me) contentment.  At the moment, he has answered both prayers with a "no".

I have labored over this question and the decisions that we might make as a result of the answer to it.  For insurance purposes if we are "done" it would be financially beneficial to make it surgically final and thus drop the maternity rider I carry on my policy.  But I struggle with whether or not there are theological issues involved.  Are we wrong to take such a bold step in our family planning when ultimately it is God who controls my ability to conceive a child?

Why do I sometimes feel inadequate with only two children.  Is it an issue of pride?  Do I feel like I need more children to prove that I am capable of managing more chaos?  Why can I not choose contentment on this issue?  There's a deep feeling in the bottom of my soul that our family is not complete.  Is that from the Lord confirming we are not "done" or is it from the enemy sewing seeds of discontentment in my heart?  Wisdom says we're done - primarily for financial reasons, but also for some health reasons - both physical and emotional.  But God is bigger than money & sanity.

I'm sure that the women who asked the question - did it innocently.  Little did they know the well of emotion and turmoil it would stir in my soul.  Just because I would NEVER ask the question first, doesn't mean that they were wrong to ask.  On one hand I admire their boldness; on the other hand I'm hurt by their insensitivity.  (In the spirit of full disclosure, I will admit that after muffling my way through a response to their question, I asked them both the same thing.)

As I've done in the past when the question was posed, I found a way to waffle and give a non-answer - mumbling something about the fact that it's all in God's hands.  I'll be asked the question again - maybe tomorrow, you just never know.  There's something about being my age and stage of life that puts a target on  my back for being the recipient of the question.  My prayers is just that one of these days I'll be able to answer the question with peace, contentment, confidence, and assurance.  Until then I'll cry my tears in private and trust the keeper of my soul to give me wisdom and contentment.

A Little Relaxing

I tried to have some "me" time last night.  My feet were aching, Michael was gone for the night, the kids were in bed . . . . the perfect night for a hot soak in the tub.

I drew the hot water . . . .it was calling my name.  Before I could get in, L wandered into the bathroom - who knows why.  She started asking questions about the tub full of hot water.  Before she left the bathroom she felt compelled to put her hand in the water to "test the temperature". 

Thinking she was gone for the night, I settled in to begin my hot soak.  Over the course of the next 10-15 minutes she found reason to be back in the bathroom 3 times.  Each time under the pretense of some burning question or a need to use the toilet.  And each time - needing to test the water before she left the room.

I was starting to feel sorry for myself - will I ever get 5 minutes to myself?  Will I ever be able to relax in private?  Just then I had about 7 minutes with no interruptions - maybe it was possible to relax after all.  Just as I was closing my eyes and really relaxing I hear movement in G's room.  Then the small 3 year old voice, "Mommy,  mommy . . . . .I have to go poopy."

The days AND evenings are long . . . but I know the years are short.  The long hot baths may have to wait for a few more years.